


The Sun, The Moon & All The Stars

by Lula_Landry



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Adventure & Romance, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff and Smut, Letters, Science Experiments, Vulcan Biology, Vulcan Culture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:00:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 35
Words: 17,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25259611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lula_Landry/pseuds/Lula_Landry
Summary: Nyota Uhura is plucked out of Starfleet Academy to join the crew of theUSS Enterprise. She is excited for many reasons, but mostly because her post will bring her into contact with Commander Spock, the ship’s half-Vulcan First Officer whom she badly wants to impress. Uhura’s past is entangled with Spock’s in ways he does not yet realise, but being the best Starfleet has to offer brings with it untold complications.- A reimagining of the Spock & Uhura love story told in the form of letters.
Relationships: Spock/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 12
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

Stardate 2258.5

Dearest Bibi,

I have arrived! I’m officially a crew member of the _USS Enterprise,_ Starfleet’s flagship vessel. It is everything I’ve dreamt of and more than I expected.

This is the start of a five-year posting… unless I fail to graduate, at which point they will unload me on the closest Federation friendly planet to be shipped home. Ech, can you imagine? Perish the thought.

It’s lunch time and Ensign Chekov (whom I met briefly at the Academy) has been tasked with escorting us newbies to the cafeteria. Apparently there’s a chef who cooks real food, so you don’t have to worry that all my nutrients are coming from a replicator.

Thank you for encouraging me to accept this position, Bibi. It worries me I’ll be away from you for so long, but I promise to stay in touch. This is the first opportunity I’ve had to send you a communiqué and I’m sorry it’s such a short one. I only wanted to let you know that I’m well. I will tell you more very soon.

Stay healthy and make sure you listen to Nurse Deirdre. I know she’s half-Betazoid and you believe she’s listening to all your thoughts, but she assures me that’s not how her abilities work.

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili -> English  
> Nyota = Star, Uhura = Freedom  
> Bibi = Grandmother  
> Nakupenda = I love you
> 
> -I did my research and discovered that in the original TV series stardates were basically bogus and didn’t mean anything. What the powers-that-be decided was a stardate would be 4 numbers followed by a percentage point, and the percentage point indicated the time of the day. So 1234.5 was 12 noon of one day, and 1235.5 was 12 noon of the next day. Clear? Nope? Understandable. Especially when you realise the way stardates are formulated change from series to series! I have chosen the original formula, and the date I’ve picked corresponds with the date Uhura was assigned to the Enterprise in the 2009 Star Trek movie. There is a brilliant article that does this discussion far more justice than I ever could- https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/68741/how-do-star-trek-stardates-work
> 
> -Uhura is from the United States of Africa and her mother tongue is Swahili. Thus, I have tried to honour that in this fic. The surname ‘Uhura’ comes from the Swahili word ‘Uhuru’ which means ‘freedom’. In the original TV series, she was not given a first name. Author William Rotsler created the name ‘Nyota’ for a Star Trek book he was licensed to write, receiving approval from both creator Gene Roddenberry and actress Nichelle Nichols. ‘Nyota’ means ‘star’ in Swahili.


	2. Chapter 2

Stardate 2259.2

Dearest Bibi,

I was so exhausted by the end of the day it was all I could do to remove my boots and crawl into bed. So here I am, up at the crack of dawn (so to speak) and writing to you. Forgive me if my sentences start to run together.

The _Enterprise_ operates on a standard Terran 24-hour day/night cycle. Lights dim along the corridors and leisure rooms to indicate the evening. I’m sure I’ll become used to it soon enough. For now, it’s thrilling to look out a porthole and witness a billion stars zipping by.

The starship is amazing; Galaxy class with a warp reactor core, forty-two decks housing over a thousand personnel and civilians (mostly family members, but I hear we have an actual bartender who works at a ship’s restaurant called Ten Forward). There are laboratories supporting an array of scientific study including xenobiology, stellar cartography, botany, cybernetics, astrophysics… but you’re not interested in that, Bibi. You’ll be pleased to hear the _Enterprise_ has gymnasiums, amphitheatres, holodecks and even a school! It’s a self-contained community. 

Bibi, I can’t believe I’ve made it onboard. Never in a million years did I think I’d find my way here so quickly. I know you’ll say I’ve studied enough for ten humans and Starfleet is merely acknowledging it, but I was at the Academy for only two of those years. It feels miraculous to be sitting in my very own quarters. (You must be laughing, Bibi, to read your little Nyota speaking of miracles as if she hasn’t made hard science her calling, but then you made sure I also understood the concept of faith.)

My bedroom is not mine alone. I share it with a female from Orion named Gaila. She has the prettiest bright green skin, flame red curls, and a personality to match. She makes me feel quite beige in comparison. Currently, Gaila is face down in her bunk fast asleep if her snoring is any indication of the matter. She is very friendly to me and everyone else she meets. Perhaps too friendly. Let me explain.

Ensign Chekov did more than take us to lunch (which was delicious, thank goodness). He led a group of six, myself and Gaila included, to all the most important areas of the ship, culminating in a visit to the bridge. It was much bigger than I expected, all gleaming white surfaces and brightly lit buttons. Captain James T. Kirk was in the chair, and it was wonderful to catch a glimpse of him in real life.

He is young, only twenty-eight. You would think him very handsome, Bibi, with his dark blonde hair and deep blue eyes. His smile makes every female (and a few of the males) in the vicinity twitter like birds. He cuts an impressive figure in his gold jersey, though in some ways he reminds me of the farm boys back home trying to impress with their bulging biceps. 

For some reason, I caught his attention. Captain Kirk asked for my name and brought up my file. He announced that I was still a cadet to everyone present, crew and newcomers alike. It was humiliating, but I suspect the man has no time or inclination for tact. I informed him Admiral Pike assigned me to the _Enterprise_ and once I completed my academic assignments alongside an evaluation of my performance onboard the starship, I could graduate.

Captain Kirk continued to rifle through my file, citing my postgraduate work in xenolinguistics at Harvard. It looked like he would start questioning my change in career when he came across the reason for my sudden shift in focus. It’s all there in my psychological profile. Kirk’s words, at first loud and clear, stuttered and trailed away. Just at that moment, the elevator door to the bridge swooshed open and another male arrived.

The captain stared at the new arrival over my shoulder, and I knew based on the information he’d just read and the expression on his face that it could only be one person. 

“Captain, is everything alright?” a deep, measured voice asked.

Truly, it was a valid question since Captain Kirk appeared to have gone into apoplectic shock. The captain’s eyes met mine and he seemed to be asking my permission to be transparent. Bibi, I could not give it. If a black hole had opened up on the bridge, I would have jumped into it rather than expose my past to the one male on the Enterprise whom I hoped to impress.

The captain seemed to understand, revealing a sensitivity I had not credited him with. His alternative was to introduce me to the new arrival.

“Spock, this is Cadet Uhura. She will be finishing her Academy qualifications while serving onboard the Enterprise. Cadet, my First Officer, Commander Spock.”

I turned slowly, not because I wasn’t eager to see the male I had emulated these last two years, but so that I didn’t fall over from sheer mortification. Spock said nothing, merely glancing from me to the captain in continued curiousity. The Vulcan is no fool.

Captain Kirk abruptly began speaking with Gaila who was more than pleased to ingratiate herself with fluttering lashes and several graceful tosses of her long red hair. As a diversionary tactic, it was masterful. I watched Commander Spock lose interest in the proceedings and gravitate towards his station on the bridge, moving with a singular grace that marked him as not quite human. Of course, his Vulcan ears did the same thing. Once the captain and Gaila stopped flirting shamelessly with each other, we left for other parts of the ship. 

Bibi, since then I have thought of nothing else except the moment Kirk introduced me to Spock. I’m kicking myself for not saying anything. Not even a “pleased to meet you”. The commander must think me a speechless fool, if he thinks of me at all.

Ah well, time for my second day onboard the Enterprise to begin. Perhaps this one will be less embarrassing. 

How was your check-up, Bibi? Has the doctor altered your medications? I didn’t like the sound of your cough before I left. 

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Gaila from Orion was Uhura’s roommate at the Academy in the 2009 film and had a fling with Kirk.  
> \- The description of the ship, including the bar Ten Forward, is canon.  
> \- Uhura’s focus of study at Starfleet was xenolinguistics.


	3. Chapter 3

Stardate 2261.7

Dearest Bibi,

What do you mean, what does he look like? Commander Spock looks like a Vulcan, but I know that statement will not satisfy you.

He is tall, his shoulders so broad they pull tight at his blue jersey. His hair is as black as ink, glossy and smooth. He has Vulcan ears, pointed and sharp, and Vulcan brows, straight, dark slants over eyes like pools of black ink. I swear you can see his brilliant brain working in the depths of his gaze. His skin is also typically Vulcan, the colour of white jade, creamy and pale with a tint of green.

Yes, he is just as handsome as the captain. Even handsomer, I think. 

There. Are you satisfied, Bibi? Look what you made me do. Now I’m all flushed over my commanding officer.

You still haven’t told me about Dr Phlox’s visit. Are you feeling any better? Has your cough eased?

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Dr Phlox was the chief medical officer onboard the first iteration of the Enterprise captained by Jonathan Archer. The use of his name is in honour of the character.


	4. Chapter 4

Stardate 2264.8

Dearest Bibi,

 _Habari yako?_

It has been a busy few days. I have received my first official posting onboard the _Enterprise_. I am to scan the far reaches of space for transmissions that may prove to be relevant to the _Enterprise’s_ journey. I sit in a pod with dozens of others and while it is wonderful to be here, this is elementary work for someone with my qualifications. 

Can you imagine how arrogant I would sound if I voiced that out loud? Admiral Pike understood I was ready for a role onboard the _Enterprise_ and for that I am deeply grateful. But he is not here to explain to the duty officer that I hold a gold rating in exolinguistic skills, and that my participation gave Starfleet their very first win over Kyoto and MIT at the Oxford Invitational. (I’ve just re-read my own words. I can almost hear you telling me to stop being so bigheaded with a roll of your eyes.) 

I don’t mean to sound dissatisfied. It’s thrilling to be a part of the working mechanics of the _Enterprise_. After all, we need everyone onboard to make the ship run and I am only a lowly cadet. I must begin somewhere and this is my starting point.

Still, I can dream. It is every officer’s wish to eventually find a place in the beating heart of the starship they belong to; that is, a position on the bridge itself. Ensign Chekov (who took me around on my first day) is a child prodigy already assigned to the bridge as ship’s navigator. At seventeen, he is four years younger than me. His presence humbles me.

You might guess where I really want to be, Bibi. I want to be a part of the science division. You will think this is because Commander Spock is both ship’s first officer and chief science officer, but it’s about more than him. Imagine examining microorganisms never before known to mankind, or living crystals that contain a society’s multigenerational records, or flora and fauna previously undocumented in any database. It would be incredible.

And yes, it would also be nice to watch Spock do what he does best. Have I mentioned that he is credited as Starfleet’s most distinguished graduate? I’m sure I have. Tiredness is making me repeat myself.

I’m glad your medical appointment went well. The new medications prescribed to you strike me as a strange mix. Why wouldn’t Dr Phlox simply apply broad spectrum antibiotics to clear up your cough? I’m sorry to keep harping on the subject. I just want to make sure you're looked after. 

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili -> English  
> Habari yako = How are you?
> 
> \- Uhura’s successful participation in the Oxford invitational on behalf of Starfleet is in the script for the 2009 film.


	5. Chapter 5

Stardate 2270.8

Dearest Bibi,

You are a genius, grandmother of mine. I took your advice and it worked. Say hello to Starfleet’s newest junior science officer!

You were right to encourage me to approach Commander Spock. I stalked the poor male like a woman with an obsessive disorder. I think he might have caught sight of me lurking in the corridors a couple of times but was too polite to say anything. He is so busy it was nearly impossible to find a moment when he was by himself.

I was finally able to approach him on his way out of the cafeteria, a minor miracle in itself since the commander never seems to have down time. I only stuttered twice as I re-introduced myself and handed him my CV. You would have been proud of me, Bibi. I narrowed my achievements to one page. 

The commander’s left eyebrow twitched as he scanned the document and I took it as a good sign. After what felt like an hour, though it was seconds, he asked, “And what can I do for you, cadet?”

I told Spock I was assigned to the communications team but I wished to donate my spare time to the science division. He seemed surprised. At least, his unmoving visage seemed surprised. 

“As a xenolinguist, your talents are already being put to good use.”

“I minored in xenobiology, commander,” I explained, hoping he could not hear the rapid beating of my heart. “It’s a field of study I hoped to further explore.”

When he spoke again, it was like music to my ears. “Very well, cadet. I will review your shifts and let you know when you might assist with laboratory tests, keeping in mind your current assignments may interfere with your involvement in any extended research being carried out.”

“I’m willing to work into the night if that’s what it takes,” I assured him.

Spock stared at me. At least, I think it was the human equivalent of a stare. He took two seconds longer than usual to reply, “I see. Is there anything else, cadet?”

I backed away feeling breathless. Speaking to him does that to me. It could be a problem should I start working by the commander’s side long-term. 

Spock is nothing if not efficient. I received my revised schedule before the end of the day. It’s a little intimidating seeing all those time slots filled, but it’s not like I’m afraid of a little hard work. 

By the way, Gaila (remember my emerald-skinned roommate?) thinks I’m crazy for taking on additional duties. Her personality is proving to be a challenge. I have already walked in on her with two different ensigns from the engineering department. (Not two ensigns at once; they were separate incidences, though I wouldn’t put it past her to participate in an orgy.) 

Thank you again for your wisdom. What would I do without you?

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.


	6. Chapter 6

Stardate 2274.9 

Dearest Bibi,

I am exhausted, but it is happy exhaustion.

Every day this week as soon as my shift ends, I make my way from my communications cubicle on deck ten to the science division on deck thirty. Spending time there has been a revelation. 

Commander Spock runs a tight ship… department. The laboratories are spotlessly clean, everything has a place and, more importantly, everything is in its place. Some of the more nervous junior science officers are constantly worried that something they do might raise a Vulcan eyebrow in their direction, but Spock’s meticulous standards rejoices my academic heart.

I am pleased to say I’m already making a name for myself. When I first arrived at the lab, Spock requested I assist in an ongoing study of Tribble biology headed by Ensign Christine Chapel. (Tribbles, by the way, are fascinating creatures: soft, furry and apparently harmless, but with a virulent ability to reproduce that could overrun a starship. As a result, they are classified as a dangerous species. These creatures use over fifty per cent of their metabolism for reproduction and are actually born pregnant, which is a little disturbing.) 

Christine is a lovely young woman; blonde, blue-eyed and earnest. She was ever so helpful setting me up with all the safety paraphernalia I required handling the single live Tribble we have onboard. We are keeping the little creature sedated until we can find a barren planet on which to unload it. Our job is to study cell mitosis in the comatose Tribble, but it wasn’t long before I was the one showing Christine the ropes on how to use the high powered digital x-ray machine, mapping cellular structure using software so we don’t have to take a scalpel to our sleeping subject. 

Spock noticed my efficiency with the advanced machinery (not much gets past him, to be honest) and within three days I was promoted from assistant to lead scientist on the project. Bibi, I felt awful for Christine. She tried not to show how upset she was when Spock made the announcement in his clinical manner, but no one nearby would have mistaken her scarlet face as anything but distressed. 

Fortunately, it has not interfered with our friendship. In fact, today Christine confided in me that she is looking at changing educational tracks. She has applied for a graduate degree in nursing while onboard the Enterprise. Her background in xenobiology will be an advantage in the medical field. 

Christine also let me know she thinks Commander Spock is ‘hot’. Bibi, I was mortified to hear her wax poetic about our superior, not because I believe Christine childish or silly, but because I agreed with everything she had to say. _Oof,_ it is a burden having feelings for your commanding officer. There are whole minutes when I find myself more focused on the elegance of Spocks long-fingered hands as he manipulates cell scrapings on crystal slides than the actual experiment itself. Surely I will become used to his tall, handsome presence and those pointed years. 

I’m so glad to hear your new medicines are working. Are you enjoying Nurse Deidre’s care? I can’t believe you condescended to play your favourite game of holographic Scrabble with her! I trust you know by now that she isn’t a mind reader. 

_Kuwa mwangalifu. Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili -> English  
> Kuwa mwangalifu = Take care
> 
> \- Nurse Christine Chapel is a character that can be found on the original Star Trek TV series and has a deep infatuation for Spock, which he is unable to reciprocate. She eventually obtains her MD and becomes Dr Chapel. She is mentioned in Star Trek Into Darkness (2013) as leaving Starfleet to become a nurse because of a failed romantic relationship with Kirk (who cannot remember her).  
> \- Tribbles were introduced in the original Star Trek TV series and one is brought onboard by Uhura herself. In the episode, the Tribble rapidly reproduces, endangering the entire ship and its crew.


	7. Chapter 7

Stardate 2280.8

Dearest Bibi,

Of course you think it’s nice to hear I’m acting like a teenager with her first crush on the cute boy at school! Only you would find infatuation appropriate for a grown woman, though I suppose in your eyes I am barely an adult.

On that note, I want to ask your opinion on something. 

This week, we conducted a particularly gruelling series of time-sensitive tests on fluorescent pink algae from an underwater world visited by Captain Kirk and his landing party (our ship’s chief medical officer Dr McCoy was able to scrape the plant life off the captain’s exosuit just before it began bubbling and hissing in reaction to dry air- a defence mechanism that could have liquified Kirk’s flesh). Anyway, we were so busy I did something… unorthodox.

Some would call my actions unwise. Others might see it as sucking up. I’ll cut to the chase- I brought Commander Spock dinner. 

You’re probably wondering what the big deal is, but that’s because you’re a feeder, Bibi. You think it unseemly for any man to leave your dining table without having seconds and thirds. 

It was late in the night and I was the only assistant left in the lab. Spock gave everyone permission to finish up, but I decided to refresh myself with a quick bite and a cup of coffee before returning to my station. The last batch of tests were gestating in a microbe oven and was an hour away from completion. Spock remained in his office working on reports, as pale and intense as ever, so I decided to bring him a tray of food.

It wasn’t anything special. In fact, you would have been horrified at the lack of spices in the cooking, but he thanked me for the melange of vegetables. It wasn’t as if he then encouraged me to pull up a chair and engaged in a conversation about Vulcan-human politics (my fantasies involving this male tend to be rather limited). Spock continued to work on his reports while picking at the meal. 

I was pleased for all of sixty seconds. At first, it felt like I had done him a kindness. The poor guy barely eats on a normal day. I suspect the captain must force feed Spock when they meet for their three-dimensional chess matches, because he otherwise never seems to consume nutrients. But then I began to wonder if I’d been inappropriate in any way. Bibi, did I cross a line, professionally speaking?

I have a bad habit of overthinking my actions. I’m probably worried over nothing. Spock views me the same way he would a new particle analyser- an efficient tool to maintain the admirable running of his department. No, that’s not fair either. I’m sure the commander appreciates all his junior associates. I’ve had one too many late nights and it’s affecting my mood.

On a different subject, I received a communiqué from Dr Phlox requesting a meeting. The _Enterprise_ is orbiting an impending supernova over the course of the next two weeks so our long-range sensors will be compromised. I suggested to the doctor that he could send me a data packet, but he is insisting on a face to face chat via holo link. Do you know what this could be about?

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Creator Gene Roddenberry is quoted as saying a basic tenet of Vulcan philosophy is non-violence. Vulcans do not believe in killing in any form and the mere idea of eating an animal carcass would be revolting to Spock. He subsists on vegetables, though he can eat meat if necessary.


	8. Chapter 8

Stardate 2283.5

Dearest Bibi, 

Commander Spock has requested my full-time assistance in the science division! I am thrilled. Between tracking the eventual supernova of the star the _Enterprise_ is currently orbiting and the plethora of fascinating aquatic microbes picked up by Captain Kirk on his last visit to an unknown planet, there is much to do. 

My communications supervisor Lieutenant Hawkins was not very pleased with the request, muttering something about “jumped up science nerds” and “superiority complexes”. (I believe it is Spock whom Hawkins thinks is the jumped up science nerd with a superiority complex, and not me.) Nevertheless, I was pleased to see my week’s roster was entirely with the science division. 

The star we are watching is a blue supergiant and we will create a firsthand recording of the eventual collapse of its core. Did you know the expanding shockwave of the supernova may even trigger the formation of new stars? That will be exciting. Needless to state, the _Enterprise’s_ shields are up. You don’t have to be alarmed, Bibi. We are completely safe, perfectly placed in reference to the spread of gravitational pull once the supernova occurs. Spock has done the calculations himself and he is never wrong. 

Also, thank you for calling me _msichana mpumbavu_ and reassuring me that providing my commander with food is not the act of a deviant. I continue to do so on those nights that seem to stretch on forever. Spock is so self-assured it does not occur to anyone else to look after him. It is true, Vulcan’s are stronger and hardier than humans, but that does not mean they are invincible. I remember T’pol’s visits to our home, how she would study ancient African literature and art until she grew dizzy and mother would chide her to have something to eat and rest. 

Unfortunately, all the atmospheric interference has meant I am unable to conduct a holo-call with Dr Phlox. I’ll be able to speak with him next week. You say you don’t know why he wishes to have a conversation, but I don’t quite believe you, Bibi.

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili -> English  
> msichana mpumbavu = silly girl
> 
> \- Lieutenant Hawkins is briefly seen as the communications officer on the bridge of the Enterprise in the 2009 movie. Uhura takes his place because Hawkins is unfamiliar with the Romulan language, while she is fluent in all three dialects.   
> \- T’pol is the very first Vulcan to serve onboard a human ship for any length of time. Jolene Blalock’s portrayal of her on the TV show Star Trek Enterprise is genius.


	9. Chapter 9

Stardate 2290.8 

Dearest Bibi,

A star has exploded and taken with it my heart.

This morning a blue supergiant turned supernova. I was not on duty, having stayed up the previous night with Commander Spock to record gravitational energy so we could track gaseous remnants in minute detail, but I was still on deck with my colleagues when it occurred. Of course, Commander Spock was front and centre, coordinating the necessary scientific recordings. The supernova was an amazing sight, an explosion of light so beautiful it took my breath away.

Ensign Chekov was present as well and he turned to me and said, “I hope you are not sad to see your namesake turn to dust.”

I laughed. No one on the Enterprise calls me Nyota, not even my friends, but Chekov learned the roots of my name back at the academy and has not forgotten. I returned my attention to the crystalline viewing window and found Spock staring at me in some confusion. He’d obviously heard Chekov.

“My name ‘Nyota’ means star in…”

“Swahili,” Spock finished my sentence.

I was startled he knew that much, so my only reply was, “Yes.”

He left the circle of feverishly working junior science officers and stood by my side. I record this next moment as much for me as for you, Bibi, because I still cannot believe it happened. 

Spock spoke in his cool, smooth tone, “Silently, one by one, in the infinite meadows of heaven, blossomed the lovely stars, the forget-me-nots of the angels.” I stared at him, mouth agape like a marooned fish, and he added, “That is something written by the human poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.”

I could feel the blood burning in my cheeks, air struggling to enter my lungs. Spock did not wait for my response, merely returning to his work. I must have stood there staring at his broad back in that blue command jersey for the next hour, but he did not move. 

Bibi… do you think it means anything? I dare not hope.

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.


	10. Chapter 10

Stardate 2292.9 

Dearest Bibi,

As you can tell by the lateness of the hour, something has upset me. I feel so much shame I nearly did not write this down. 

The _Enterprise_ and Commander Spock have both been congratulated by Starfleet High Command on ground-breaking research into the supernova. Still, there is a lot of work to be done, thousands of terabytes of data to collate and review. Spock hasn’t left his office except to shower and report for bridge duties. 

Earlier this evening I walked into Spock’s office without knocking, a tray of food in my hands. I was startled to find the commander had a visitor, one who was in the midst of telling him off.

“Damnit, Spock, you can’t avoid your bi-annual check-ups just because you decide test tubes and microscope slides are more important than your health,” Dr McCoy was grumbling as he waved a tricorder. 

The commander was seated at his desk, a longsuffering look on his remarkably still face. I sometimes wonder if I unnecessarily read into the half-Vulcan’s micro expressions.

“Believe me, doctor, if there was any other way to send you my bio-scans, I would have done so already. As it is, we must both continue to enjoy these meetings,” Spock said with a level of sarcasm remarkable for him. I suspect these two must be friends.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Leonard McCoy demanded. “Having one of your underlings take blood samples and completely supersede my role as chief medical… Hello, and who’s this?”

Spock looked at me, standing frozen in his office doorway with tray in hand and I registered an expression I’ve never before received from him- disapproval. I almost turned to leave but Dr McCoy was already approaching me. He took the meal and placed it on Spock’s desk, his face curious.

“Is this why your nutritional levels have remained acceptable, Spock? The only reason you haven’t gone into a prolonged fast is because your personal assistant is looking out for you?”

The commander’s face tightened ever so imperceptibly. “I do not have an assistant, doctor. I’m sure you’ve met Cadet Uhura on one your unnecessary shipwide inoculation offensives.”

McCoy gave Spock a look I could not quite decipher; one that combined both surprise and inquiry. It was clear to me Spock did not appreciate my presence, so I gave an awkward half-bow and left the commander’s study. As I walked away, I could still hear the doctor. 

“I’m surprised at you, Spock, and with a cadet too. I’d expect this kind of behaviour from Jim.”

I froze in the narrow corridor, my stomach twisting in a way that made me nauseous. 

Spock’s response came cold and clear. “Don’t be ridiculous, Leonard. She is nothing more than a lab technician. Your concern is unfounded.”

“Hmph. Maybe on your end, but the way those big eyes were looking at you tells a different story. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a gorgeous little thing with her bronze skin and all that shiny dark hair.”

“Beauty is transitory,” Spock said, his tone more clipped than usual.

“I’m not surprised you’ve attracted a devotee with your reptilian ways. Some women like that in a man.” The doctor’s laughter bounced down the corridor. 

“She is just a child and you are being illogical.”

“Are you blind, you green blooded hobgoblin? It’s clear she worships the ground you walk on.”

“Name calling is unnecessary…”

“Oh, for goodness’ sake! Enjoy the attention of your faithful little puppy and eat your dinner.” 

I fled the lab, returning to my quarters even though I still had twelve minutes left of my shift. 

Bibi… is that how Spock sees me? As a devoted lapdog? Am I ridiculous in his eyes?

I’m going to curl up on my bed and attempt to sleep because my thoughts have become a torment.

Your Nyota.


	11. Chapter 11

Stardate 2300.7

Dearest Bibi,

I feel like such a fool. I cringe every time I recall the conversation I overheard between the commander and the doctor.

In my humiliation, I have steadfastly avoided Spock this last week. I do my work to the best of my abilities and return to my room as soon as my shift is complete. No more late nights lingering by the commander’s side, no more organising plates of food for his consumption. It’s for the best, really.

Strangely enough, the incident has brought me closer to Gaila. She took one look at me curled up on my bunk and replicated a bowl of plomeek soup, pushing it into my hands. It helped warm my insides.

“What’s his name?” Gaila asked with unexpected compassion. I shook my head and she gave me a sad smile. “Well, it doesn’t matter, does it? He must be an idiot if he doesn’t want you.”

Commander Spock is no idiot but Gaila’s words helped somewhat. I realise now I was judging my roommate the same way I had been judged, as a female so interested in romantic connections that it somehow lessened her intelligence and ambition. Nothing could be further from the truth. If feelings grow from admiration to devotion, is that so wrong? 

I miss Spock. I miss being around him- his analytical mind and cutting observations and dry sense of humour when he isn’t even trying to be funny. I miss how tall he is and how green his veins and the swoop of his eyebrows. I miss his stupid Vulcan ears. And have I mentioned he smells invigorating, somewhat like liquorice? 

Anyway- I’ll get over it. One more day and we will be clear of the supernova’s debris field. I have already diarised time to speak with Dr Phlox.

 _Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Plomeek soup is a Vulcan broth often eaten for breakfast.


	12. Chapter 12

Stardate 2301.3 

Dearest Bibi,

I know you’re upset with me, but you didn’t have to capitalise every word in your letter! I could almost hear you yelling from the other side of the galaxy. 

It’s wonderful to know you think me oversensitive and foolish (and you may add sarcastic to that list). That seems harsh, Bibi, and yet perhaps it’s also true. 

I will take your advice and stop avoiding Commander Spock. There, are you satisfied? Stop sending me abusive messages. 

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.


	13. Chapter 13

Stardate 2301.9 

Dearest Bibi,

Two letters in one day, but you deserve it. I need to say thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Today I swallowed my hurt and pride spoke to Commander Spock about the findings around the supernova. Conversation with him is like water to my thirsty soul. He is smart and articulate and I enjoyed hearing his discourse on the matter. On anything, really.

I then gave in to my academic yearning and conducted additional tests on a gaseous canister of debris from the space field. By the time I finished, I was alone in the lab and Spock was still bent over his desk, refining his algorithm to calculate the blast radius of a supernova shockwave. The man will not be satisfied until he has the margin of error within a micron’s length.

So I got him dinner. 

I intended to drop off the tray without speaking to Spock. My soul is still raw from the last time I’d done such a thing, but he stopped me before I could flee.

“Cadet…”

I turned but could not meet his gaze, concentrating instead on the PADD in his hands.

“Thank you.”

I looked into his elegant face and my heart took a tumble because… well, Bibi, Spock smiled at me. A brief tilt to the corners of his lips, but an actual smile. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile at anyone before this. I nearly cried.

I think… perhaps… maybe… he missed me too. Not as much as I missed him, of course, but it’s wonderful to know my presence is appreciated. 

So there you go, Bibi, you’ve done it again. You set my life right.

 _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. _Milele._

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili -> English  
> Milele = Forever
> 
> -PADD stands for Personal Access Display Device and have been in use in the Star Trek universe since the 22nd Century.


	14. Chapter 14

Stardate 2302.4

Dearest Bibi,

I spoke with Dr Phlox and he told me everything.

Do you realise cell ennui has no cure? Dr Phlox said in time the disease will cause complete biological breakdown as your cells stop multiplying. He has given you less than three months to live and even that is a generous prognosis.

How could you, Bibi? How dare you hide your illness from me? I can’t believe you would do such a thing! 

I am furious you pushed me to take this position onboard the _Enterprise_ knowing that before long you would be dead and I would grieve your passing whilst millions of miles away from earth…

**[Document deleted]**

Dearest Bibi,

I have spoken to Dr Phlox and he has told me you are seriously unwell.

I will request Captain Kirk drop me off at the first Federation port so I can catch a shuttle back to earth. We are quite a distance from home but I hope to return in less than two weeks.

 _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Cellular Ennui is a disease that first made it appearance on the Star Trek TV series Deep Space Nine.


	15. Chapter 15

Stardate 2303.3

Bibi,

You’re not allowed to tell me what to do. This is my life and I make my own decisions. I choose to be by your side in your final days. I can’t believe you’d argue with me about this, but at the same time it was inevitable. You’re so _stubborn._

I know Starfleet is my future, but Bibi… you are my past and present. You’re the one person left in my life who remembers mama and baba, who knows my favourite snack is _mandazi,_ who understands when I see the red dust of Mars it reminds me of our backyard. I refuse to sit on a starship while you slowly perish in a nursing home, no matter how comfortable you are.

And I knew you’d bring up Commander Spock! That’s playing dirty, Bibi. You speak of my appointment to the _Enterprise_ as destiny, that I was always meant to meet Spock. Of everything I leave behind, my connection with him will be the hardest to forsake… but forsake it I must. 

I’m coming home. _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili -> English  
> Mother = mama / Father = baba
> 
> \- Mandazi is a deep fried Kenyan doughnut.


	16. Chapter 16

Stardate 2308.8

Dearest Bibi,

We are lost in a void. At least, that is what Commander Spock has taken to calling it, though when he uses the word it comes out sounding like it’s been capitalised. The Void.

The _Enterprise_ flew into a dense black cloud that shrouds us from everything, including surrounding starlight. Without navigational points, we are unable to confirm exactly where we are in the galaxy. It has been this way for five whole days. We are flying steady at a slow-as-molasses warp three since there may be debris we cannot see, and still there is no end in sight. 

Some of the more claustrophobic members of the crew have requested relaxants from med bay and the bar at Ten Forward is packed every night. There is something incredibly eerie about looking out a ship’s porthole and seeing thick darkness without shape or form. 

As chief science officer, Commander Spock has been tasked with discovering the source of the void. I have never seen him more burdened. It doesn’t help that Captain Kirk is already climbing the walls in his desire to escape this utter darkness. He’s taken to haunting Spock’s office since, in his own words, gazing at nothing from his captain’s chair gives him the “heebie-jeebies”. 

Truly, everyone’s teeth is set on edge, Spock’s included. So far, in an effort to manage the tumultuous man-child that is our captain, I have heard the commander say:   
“Insufficient facts always invite danger,” this in response to Kirk’s suggestion we go to warp even though we cannot see what is around us,  
“Change is the essential process of all existence,” in reaction to Kirk’s gloomy prediction that we will be stuck forever in this black cloud, and  
“May I say that I have not thoroughly enjoyed serving with humans? I find their illogic and foolish emotions a constant irritant,” which was declared with raised eyebrows and a hard glare. 

That last statement finally managed to rid us of Kirk’s aggravating presence. I shared a giggle with several of my colleagues until those Vulcan brows turned on us in disapproval.

I am writing this even though we are uncertain if any of our communications are getting through the void. I will save the file to dispatch once we have escaped this pit. 

Bibi, it hurts me to think our final interaction might be a disagreement. That cannot be the conclusion of our relationship; the very idea is abhorrent to me. I am working hard to assist Spock with the data he requires to assess this phenomenon. Even he seems surprised by my dedication.

I guess I should tell you the ship entered the void before I was able to inform Captain Kirk of my decision to leave the _Enterprise_. Until we are free of this cursed darkness, it seems an unnecessary burden to place on him. Or on Spock, for that matter. 

So, yeah… It’s as if my life has been put on pause.

_Nakupenda, _Bibi.__

__Your Nyota._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- The Void was a natural phenomenon that was introduced in the TV series Star Trek Voyager with Captain Kathryn Janeway.  
> \- The statements made by Spock in this letter are genuine quotes, though taken out of context.


	17. Chapter 17

Stardate 2312.8 

Dearest Bibi,

Not much has changed. The void continues to envelope the _Enterprise_ like a cloud of poisonous gas, affecting the mood of everyone on the ship. 

The whole crew has been called to med bay for physicals. Dr McCoy is increasingly concerned that the darkness is affecting us in more tangible ways than psychological malaise. So far, he’s been proven wrong. The crew’s health remains optimal; it is our morale that is impacted.

How else to explain the increase in fistfights, drunken disorderlies and the sudden onset of tears in usually mild-mannered Starfleet officers? Even Captain Kirk was overheard having a huge blowout fight with the doctor. My sources quote the two men as yelling, “Stop fussing over me like a mollycoddling wet nurse, Bones!” and “Damnit, Jim, sit still so I can take your readings. I’m a doctor, not a soothsayer!” 

Commander Spock has been keeping me busy and this is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, the workload distracts me from another aimless day. On the other, the data collection required is mind-numbingly tedious. Honestly, how many times can one cadet take readings from a shapeless expanse before screaming into her pillow becomes inevitable?

Spock seems outwardly unchanged, but I’ve noticed a minutia of differences in his behaviour. Whoever said Vulcan’s have no emotions has never worked with one before. I think emotions annoy the commander, but there can be no doubt he has them. Mama once told me paranoia and homicidal rages were common amongst Vulcans before they adopted Surak’s code of logic, but fortunately the commander is not that far gone. 

At this stage, Spock expresses his frustration over our lack of progress using the art of Vulcan eye warfare. The commander is able to turn a crew member into jelly with the simplest lift of an eyebrow, a refusal to blink, the slightest narrowing of his luminous dark gaze or- the cruellest cut of all- his almost eyeroll. He saves that last one exclusively for Dr McCoy. I would love the Vulcan if I didn’t wish to strangle him all the time.

I hope your health is holding steady, Bibi. I must not focus on your disease lest I end up in a heap on the floor.

 _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.

P/S Did I just confess to being in love with Spock? No, that cannot be what I meant. The void is getting to me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Uhura’s statement about ‘paranoia and homicidal rages’ suffered by Vulcans in the past is information T’pol gave to Captain Archer in an episode of Star Trek Enterprise.  
> \- Surak is a Vulcan philosopher and scientist considered the father of the modern Vulcan civilisation.


	18. Chapter 18

Stardate 2320.4

Dearest Bibi,

We’re out! It’s a glorious relief to see the stars and planets once more. That was the longest seventeen days of my life.

Our escape was mere happenstance. While in the void, we bumped into an extraterrestrial ship piloted by a Malon named Emck (I think I’m spelling that right). We assisted the muddy-skinned humanoid with his repairs and in exchange Emck provided us with a rough map of the void. He did not think it strange that there was nothing but darkness around us. In fact, I believe he used the word “soothing”. 

Emck’s star chart was the additional data we needed. Between the analyses Spock and I had been logging over the last few weeks and the readings noted on the map, we were able to pinpoint a tear in the fabric of space. A vortex, as it were. The _Enterprise_ came through it in one piece and here we are again, safe and sound. I celebrated by sitting in my favourite spot on the viewing deck and staring into a milky galaxy until the ache in my head had eased. 

I have decided to tell Spock about my decision to leave the _Enterprise_ first. After all this time working beside him, it only seems fitting. He has made the biggest impact in my development.

When I first began volunteering in the science labs, the others often looked askance at my presence. Now they assume I know everything that transpires within its walls because Spock has taken to leaving me in charge whenever he is on the bridge. It’s a high honour, I know, but thinking about it only makes me sadder.

I will see you soon, Bibi. You will not change my mind. _Nakupenda._

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Emck’s appearance also resulted in the crew of the Voyager escaping the Void more quickly than expected, though he wasn’t very helpful to them.


	19. Chapter 19

Stardate 2321.7 

Dearest Bibi,

I have wonderful news- Starfleet has decided to make me a graduate ahead of schedule!

Spock congratulated me when I saw him this morning . It seems his report of the role I played in assessing the void and thus helping him find a way of escape for the _Enterprise_ has earned me a commendation. As a result, Admiral Pike advised Captain Kirk to confirm my degree. 

The ceremony takes place tomorrow. We always knew I would graduate onboard the _Enterprise,_ but more than ever I wish you could be here for it. I will send you plenty of images, Bibi, and one may even contain the elusive Commander Spock for your approval.

I hope you do not think I’m delaying my return to you. In three days, we stop at Andoria to refuel and for much needed shore leave. I will make my way to earth from there.

I have not yet told Commander Spock or Captain Kirk. I confess, the longer I wait to do so, the harder it becomes. Perhaps my tongue will loosen at the after party promised by Gaila and Chekov. 

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.


	20. Chapter 20

Stardate 2323.0 

Dearest Bibi,

My graduation party has ended and I have somehow found my way back to my room. Gaila has yet to return, lucky her.

My head is spinning but I wanted to tell you something before I crashed. Are you ready for this? 

I kissed Commander Spock.

On the cheek and only after I’d drunk half the bottle of Vulcan brandy he’d gifted me, but still. A kiss. 

The music was pounding and the alcohol was flowing and he was standing there in his full dress uniform (black with gold braiding) looking good enough to hump and I started thinking about how I might never see him again after I leave the _Enterprise_ and I lost my mind and kissed him. I think Captain Kirk saw the whole thing, but he may have been distracted by Gaila in the smallest sequinned miniskirt known to man. 

I’m aware Vulcans run hot but I still expected to find his cheek cold. Instead it was warm and smooth and utterly beguiling.

Did I just say beguiling? I should go to bed.

 _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.

P/S You should be grateful for the spellcheck function on my PADD. I keep missing vowels every time I enter a word.


	21. Chapter 21

Stardate 2324.3

Dearest Bibi,

I can’t believe I sent you that letter! Please do not think any less of me, though you’re probably over the moon with joy that I made a move on Spock. You're incorrigible.

We dock in Andoria this evening. I was about to request a meeting with Captain Kirk to advise him of my decision to leave the _Enterprise,_ but he's beat me to it. I’m not sure why he wants to see me. I hope it isn’t further congratulations over my graduation or a promotion to a new position. It will only make my own news more difficult to deliver. I’m heading to his ready room now.

I’ll be seeing you soon. _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.


	22. Chapter 22

Stardate 2324.4 

Dearest Bibi,

You’re gone. How can that be?

I will never forget the look in Kirk's eyes as he delivered the news… a depth of compassion that reminds me why he is captain of a starship. 

Wait- why am I even doing this?

**[Document incomplete]**


	23. Chapter 23

Stardate 2329.9

Dearest Bibi,

I’m writing to you again…  
Because I can’t believe you’re gone.  
Because you’re my best friend even if you’re no longer around.  
Because I’ve made a mess of things and I have no one else to talk to.

My problem revolves around Spock.

Captain Kirk suggested I take compassionate leave to grieve your loss but I declined. I should have listened to the man. He’s much smarter than anyone gives him credit.

I stayed onboard the _Enterprise_ while almost everyone went on shore leave. Do you know how to feel truly lost and alone? By wandering a deserted starship meant to house thousands while battling grief over the loss of the last relative who knew you as child.

You are gone, Bibi, and it’s like the ground beneath my feet has turned to quicksand. You are gone and it hurts to breathe. You are gone and I am desolate. 

How could I have thought that Starfleet would fill the hole in my heart and give me purpose? It’s just an organisation, as cold and unfeeling as a machine. As cold and unfeeling as a Vulcan. 

No, that’s not fair. Spock doesn’t know what I’m going through, and I did manage to ruin his day as well.

I saw movement in the corridors of the science department and I went to check it out. Spock was back early from shore leave, working by himself in a lab. I called out but he was so consumed by his task he didn’t hear me.

It occurred to me that grief is a subject with which he has intimate knowledge. The day the planet Vulcan was obliterated by an enemy, killing billions and making his kind an endangered species, Spock not only lost his home world but also his human mother. It must have been the worst day of his life. I know it remains one of mine.

I knocked loudly on the lab door and it finally broke his concentration. He turned to me, face unreadable, luminous dark eyes with that glazed look I’d seen before, when he’s so deep in his science he has no room for anything else. I suspect he was annoyed by the interruption but I didn’t care. I was suffocating and there he stood like a lifeline. I needed… something… someone…. an outlet. And I didn’t have you, Bibi.

“Do you have a moment, Spock?” I asked. I sounded anxious to my own ears.

Reluctance flickered in his gaze, a response I attributed to his current task. “Now is not a good time, ensign.”

I had called him by name for the first time ever and he referred to me by my new rank. It was not a good start. 

“It’s important,” I said, because nothing else has mattered since your passing, Bibi.

His slanted brows drew together. “Ensign, if this is about the other night there is no need for further discussion. You were inebriated which lowered your inhibitions. I do not blame you for what occurred.”

I stared at Spock in utter confusion. At first, I had no idea what he was talking about, and then I realised this was the first time we’d spoken since I’d kissed him. Anger and embarrassment combined to make my face burn red.

“That’s not what I…”

But he’d already turned back to his station, unerring hands picking up fortified glassine instruments. “I said, not now.”

“At least ensure your lab conditions are optimal,” I snapped, flicking on the blazing white light emitting diodes that would normally have already been running.

I’d reacted in anger. Had I been thinking clearly for even a second I would have realised the darkened conditions were deliberate. Spock whirled around to stop me but it was too late. His next instinct was to shield the sample he’d been working on.

My anger disappeared in a wave of horror that I’d ruined something rare and precious. I hit the light switch again but the slump in Spock’s broad shoulders told me I needn’t have bothered.

There was a strained silence before he spoke. “It was a moonflower from Macedon III. A profoundly delicate nocturnal plant.”

“I- I’m so sorry,” I gasped. “Is there any way I can replace the specimen?”

“No. It was a gift from my father, obtained during one of his ambassadorial trips.” Spock had yet to turn around and look at me. 

“How can I make it up to you?” I asked, my words wobbling with unshed tears. I never cry, Bibi, you know this well, but ever since your passing… I am like an exposed nerve.

“Leave, ensign.”

I fled the lab before my sobs became voluble.

Oh, Bibi, what do I do? It isn’t the end of the world, I know, but it feels like it. Spock is the best thing Starfleet has brought me and now I’ve ruined that too.

I need your advice. I miss you so much. _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.


	24. Chapter 24

Stardate 2337.9 

Dearest Bibi,

I have argued with myself for days over whether to continue writing these letters. Of course I know you are no longer alive, but I cannot help but believe your spirit is still with me. Besides which, I find it helpful to lay out my day in this manner. It untangles my thoughts and calms my nerves. 

First of all, I want you to know it is well with Spock and I. More than well. He showed me rare kindness.

It was the first full day back onboard the _Enterprise._ I finished my shift and found my way to the viewing deck. It has become a new habit. Sitting in the dimly lit room while surrounded by a galaxy of stars helps put my grief in perspective. There is something comforting in knowing I am only a single small fish in an endlessly teeming sea.

I found my usual seat in the furthest corner of the room, where I am hidden by a curve of the metal plated hull. I was there for five minutes when I heard footsteps approach. I bit back a sigh. I prefer the quiet. The intruder sat beside me, but not so close that I felt like I needed to engage in conversation. It was another few minutes before I snuck a look.

Bibi, you could have knocked me over with a feather. Commander Spock occupied the place on my right, straight-backed as an android, his face tilted upwards as he gazed into the starry expanse. He heard my sharp inhalation of breath and turned to look at me.

“It is peaceful here,” he said quietly.

“Yes,” I agreed.

“Does it help in your current circumstances?”

“Yes,” I repeated stupidly. 

My brain exploded with a thousand questions. Was he referring to my loss or did he mean our falling out? If his statement was in reference to your passing away, Bibi, how did Spock know? 

As if reading my mind, he said, “Captain Kirk spoke to me about the death of your grandmother. As one who has oversight of your work, he thought it best that I be made aware.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“That was why you came to me in the laboratory three days ago.”

“Commander, I apologise for ruining your specimen…”

“Nyota.” My mouth snapped shut in shock as he spoke my name. “It is I who should apologise to you. You needed my support and I let you down.”

My heart was pounding so hard in my chest I feared he could hear it. “You didn’t know…”

“I should have realised something was amiss,” Spock said briskly. “You do not make mistakes when running experiments and I have never known you to cry. It was only logical to assume you were distressed.”

I said nothing because I didn’t know what else to say. A tight knot in my chest had unravelled. I was relieved my relationship with Spock had not suffered. Still, he is half-Vulcan and uncomfortable with emotions. To my mind, he’d already gone far above and beyond what could be expected of a commanding officer. And yet he was still speaking. 

“Vulcans believe that death can be accepted by understanding every life comes to an end when time demands it. Loss of life is to be mourned, but only if the life was wasted. I did not know your grandmother, Nyota, but I see you as an extension of her essence. Based upon this evidence, I believe hers was a life well lived.” 

Tears overflowed the barrier of my lashes, dripping down my cheeks and chin. It is the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me.

If I wasn’t in love with Spock before, I am now. I write this down not because I expect anything to come of my growing friendship with the commander, but as a fact. Life is too short to deny truth, especially if they are happy ones.

I’m going to be alright, Bibi. The _Enterprise_ can be my family too.

 _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Spock’s statement about death was spoken by an older Spock to his younger self (thanks to a bout of time travel) in an episode of Star Trek- The Animated Series. The child Spock was grieving the loss of a cherished pet. "Accepting death- by understanding that every life comes to an end, when time demands it. Loss of life is to be mourned, but only if the life was wasted.”


	25. Chapter 25

Stardate 2345.7 

Dearest Bibi,

I’m missing you a lot today. To be fair I miss you every day, but some moments are worse than others.

I feel like I did when I first left home for university. You and I never lived in each other’s pockets, but knowing you weren’t right outside my bedroom door made me anxious. It’s been years since then, but I still have to come to terms with the fact that you aren’t waiting for me back in New Nairobi. It’s an ache I must grow used to.

Grief over your loss has changed me, just like it did when mama and baba died. Back then, I uprooted myself and joined Starfleet. This time, it’s my personality that has undergone a shift. I’ve become more forthright, less hesitant and- I suspect- less patient.

Spock has noticed the difference in my attitude. More than once I’ve caught his eyebrow flicker in surprise as I debate his instructions rather than carrying them out with a meek, “Yes, commander”. It forces him to engage me in discussions he does not have with anyone else, though that is not my intention. It’s just a happy by-product.

I keep waiting for Spock to do something that upsets me. I mean, seriously and deeply upsets me. His cold authoritarianism can be annoying, his subtle sarcasm infuriating, his self-assurance maddening, and then there’s the Vulcan air of superiority which he does not even attempt to deny… but I only love him more for it. There is a goodness underpinning all his actions which I find adorable, though mine is a minority opinion. 

I promise I’m not disappearing into my work like you used to accuse me of doing. Gaila, Chekov and I have begun fencing lessons with Lieutenant Sulu. He’s quite passionate about the sport. Gaila is always looking for ways to make exercise fun, Chekov has been roped in as Sulu’s unofficial best friend and I’m hoping the activity will keep me limber. Working in a lab all day, every day is atrophying my muscles. We can’t all be half-Vulcan and able to bench press a Targ. 

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi. 

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Hikaru Sulu was a fencing expert on the original Star Trek TV series and would encourage other crew members to enjoy the sport. In one incident, Sulu falls prey to polywater intoxication and fancies himself a musketeer. Sulu’s fencing skills are also on display in the 2009 movie against the Romulans.  
> \- A Targ is a mammal tamed and bred by Klingons. They look like wild boar and are used as a food source.


	26. Chapter 26

Stardate 2360.7 

Dearest Bibi,

The strangest things are happening onboard the _Enterprise._ I write this down both for clarity and scientific record.

Yesterday we arrived at Psi 2000, an uninhabited C-class planet. During a briefing of department heads (the commander brings me along to these meetings rather like the personal assistant Dr McCoy once accused me of being), Spock advised Captain Kirk that before the sun went dark, the planet would have been akin to earth. This is no longer the case. In fact, we are here because the planet surface is showing signs of imminent disintegration. 

The captain is taking a landing party to briefly analyse the terrain since scanners show the destruction of Psi 2000 as being five days away. I would have given my two front teeth to be part of that expedition, but in the end Kirk chose Spock and Dr McCoy. Had the planet been inhabited, I would have accused the captain of a boy’s trip.

It did strike me as unnecessarily risky to have our captain, first officer and ship’s chief medical officer in one landing party, but I wasn’t about to say anything. Kirk is notorious for ignoring danger signs. 

This morning, the three esteemed officers slipped into their shiny exosuits and beamed down onto the planet’s surface. A little over an hour later, the captain hailed the bridge and the trio were beamed back onboard the Enterprise. That was when the real fun and games began.

Chekov tells us the captain’s behaviour was strange almost from the time he stepped back onto the bridge. Kirk began rhapsodising about the _Enterprise,_ calling the ship “his lady love” and quoting entire paragraphs of the captain’s oath. The man is a genius, after all, and it shouldn’t surprise any of us he has vast knowledge stored in his memory, even if we rarely see it displayed.

Sulu then took up the tale and advised Spock and I that it was when the captain began talking about family and legacy he truly became agitated. Apparently Kirk commented on the fact that the women on the ship were unknowable to him since, as their captain, it was his duty to keep his distance. And thus, he began to weep.

To his credit, Sulu reacted quickly. He led the captain to his ready room and closed the door on him. In Sulu’s own words, Kirk’s face was shining with tears, his expression like a little boy who’d lost his puppy.

In a cold voice, Spock sent Sulu back to the bridge to take the helm, dispatching Chekov with him. He then requested I follow him to sick bay so Dr McCoy could be informed. Bibi, this is when things became truly crazed.

We arrived at sick bay to find the nursing staff in the corridor, milling about in bewildered fashion. Spock’s eyebrows snapped together and he demanded to know what was going on. There was a petrified silence before Christine Chapel (who is now a nurse is training) spoke up.

It seemed in the last several minutes Dr McCoy had begun to act increasingly inebriated, spouting limericks and singing sea shanties. When Christine tried to moderate his behaviour, he became angry and kicked everyone out of med bay before locking himself inside. Even through the sealed door, I could hear the good doctor’s robust voice declare, “There once was a man from Leeds, who swallowed a packet of seeds…!”

“Commander Spock, what do we do?” Christine asked, wringing her hands.

Bibi, I should have known something was wrong when it took Spock a whole three seconds to react. He called out to the ship’s computer with his access codes and requested manual override. As you know, Vulcans are five times stronger than humans so he was able to push open the door with ease. Spock instructed the nursing staff to restrain Dr McCoy and he drew a vial of blood. He then returned to the science lab, leaving me to scurry behind in his wake.

“Spock, did the captain and doctor become infected with something on Psi 2000?” I asked.

He did not reply. Instead he stormed into a laboratory and began snapping instructions with more vigour than I’d ever seen before, demanding he be brought the samples he’d obtained mere hours ago from the planet’s surface. Spock also requested a spectrum analysis on the doctor’s blood. 

The lab burst into chaotic activity as junior science officers dashed about trying to fulfil the commander’s requests. This went on for twenty minutes, with core samples being put through analysis and air canisters being tested in vacuum. I took a step back and watched as a big green vein developed in Spock’s forehead, throbbing like a live snake. 

Inevitably, someone dropped something. The tinkle of breaking glass was like a red rag to an already enraged bull. Spock yelled for everyone to clear out, and the dozen or so hand picked assistants in his personal laboratory escaped so quickly they nearly fell out the door.

“I’m still here,” I said once silence descended.

He turned to look at me, mouth tense, hands fists by his side. “You should leave, Nyota.”

My heart twisted to hear him call me by name, only the second time he’d ever done so. “What do you need?” I asked, keeping my tone cool.

He returned to his work bench, feverishly bringing up the results of the dozen or so tests that had been run in the last several minutes. “There’s a tricorder in the first aid box. I want you to use it on me.”

I obeyed without question. As baba always said, an unbalanced Vulcan is a dangerous Vulcan. I passed the tricorder over Spock as he continued to review his findings and then read out to him the results. He stiffened when he heard what I had to say.

“My blood pressure…”

“Is perfect,” I said in confusion.

He shook his head, moisture beading his brow. “Not for a Vulcan. My blood pressure should be non-existent.” He swallowed hard and drew a deep breath. “I need you to do something for me, ensign.”

I noted his return to rank and reprimanded myself over my disappointment. “Yes, commander.”

“I want you to leave and come back in fifteen minutes. The doctor’s blood results should be ready by then and I will have a theory if not a solution.” 

“Can’t I stay?”

“Go now, Nyota. I cannot focus otherwise.”

Bibi, the look Spock gave me was almost manic. I’ve left him in the lab but I grow increasingly concerned. It’s almost time for me to return to hear his report. Wish me luck.

 _Nakupenda,_ Bibi. I wish I could talk to you. _Nina wasiwasi._

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili -> English  
> Nina wasiwasi = I’m worried
> 
> \- In Star Trek the original TV series, the Psi 2000 syndrome affects the entire ship, but Dr McCoy devises a remedy just in time.


	27. Chapter 27

Stardate 2363.9

I can’t sleep so here I am again. I owe it to myself to write a conclusion to my tale, though I do not know if I wish to record what happened next. 

All is well once more, but things have happened that should never have happened. I wouldn’t believe the events myself except I was involved in them directly. Anyway, I’ll start from the beginning. For once I’m glad this is a private record and not a real conversation. It’s not quite proper for Bibi’s eyes.

I returned to the lab to find Spock as rigid as tempered steel, that vein in his forehead popping even more, his skin covered in a light sheen of sweat. I didn’t know he _could_ sweat. I had to speak his name twice before he acknowledged my presence.

Spock reported through gritted teeth, “The gravitational shift associated with the destruction of the planet Psi 2000 has created extended strings of water molecules that were absorbed by the landing party, intoxicating us.”

I blinked. “It’s more than mere drunkenness, Spock. The intense emotional reactions of both the captain and Dr McCoy…”

“Yes, it appears normal psychological boundaries have been impaired and dormant desires are manifesting themselves.” He turned away from me, jaw clenched. 

“Spock, you must be suffering,” I said softly. 

He ignored my comment. “I have sent my findings to Nurse Chapel for her to configure an antidote. The doctor should be the first one to receive its healing influence in case there are additional modifications to be made. As a medical practitioner, he is best suited to the task.”

“I could have done that,” I said, stung by his words. Was I not better equipped to interpret Spock’s notes than Christine? 

“Nyota… I need you with me.”

My heart stopped. Spock spoke almost angrily.

“What- what do you mean?”

“What do you know of the _pon farr?”_

Spock was still gazing out a window, his back to me, but I blushed as if his intense gaze was on my person. Is there ever a good answer to such a question? The Vulcan time of mating is shrouded in secrecy. Even amongst Vulcans, it is inappropriate to involve oneself in another’s _pon farr_. 

“As I understand it, there is a neurochemical shift which necessitates an adult Vulcan fulfil certain biological imperatives.”

He turned his head and his lips quirked in a chilly smile. “How very polite of you, Nyota. This neurochemical change that you mention takes a form of madness, and the brain’s serotonin levels will increase until it causes death. I have monitored my neural state and can confirm that I am prematurely entering into _pon farr.”_

“When was it due?” I asked, as if it mattered.

“In a years’ time,” Spock said with deceptive calm. “I have three options, as you might already know. One is to aggressively meditate, but I cannot trust myself to do so while under polywater intoxication. The next option is to be sedated, but the only man onboard who knows the exact nature and ratio of medications to use is currently standing on a desk singing at the top of his lungs.”

“Are you certain there’s no one else…?”

“Christine's nursing studies include a specialty in Vulcan xenobiology, but she is not yet confident enough to put me under.”

“I bet she isn’t,” I muttered under my breath, stung to hear Spock mention Christine by first name. I guess I wasn’t so special after all. He gave me an odd look and I hurried to add, “And your third option?”

“To take a mate, of course.”

I cleared my throat. “Of course.”

Spock gave me an anguished look, so full of pain that I took several steps toward him. He backed away at once, holding up one hand as if to protect himself from me. I had already guessed what he was about to ask, but I wasn’t about to humiliate myself by presuming. So I waited.

“Nyota… I would not request such a thing of a subordinate lest I damage our professional relationship, and I only do so now because I believe we have formed a bond these last few months while working together, and I am better acquainted with you than most of the other females onboard the _Enterprise_ …”

I took pity on the poor male, though my mind was yelling at me to consider my actions. “Spock,” I said, taking another step toward him, “my answer is yes. Whatever you need, I am willing.”

His hands unclenched, dark eyes wide. “I- I have not made the necessary arrangements to honour your participation in this rite…”

“It doesn’t matter,” I interrupted him again, moving another step closer. 

He nodded. “You are right. That is only logical.”

Spock closed the gap between us, picking me up in his arms. I know he’s inhuman but to feel that Vulcan strength surround me, treating my body as if it belonged to a fragile porcelain doll, was incredible. He brought his face to mine, foreheads and noses pressing together, and suddenly I feared this was a huge mistake. 

Even though I could never deny Spock, it did not mean my decision was wise. I felt my heart unravel and wrap itself around this male. He was not mine to have and the only reason we were going to be together was due to an accident of James T. Kirk-proportions, and yet it felt like something precious was taking place. I will never forget the moment he first touched me.

We ended up in his quarters not long after (three times the size of mine- nice to be a commander), our journey there unseen by the crew, more out of good fortune than good planning. We didn’t make it to the bed, Spock lifting me onto his immaculate desk and hiking the skirt of my uniform up around my waist. I watched his eyes flicker and was glad I’d worn my white lace bikini panties, though I was about to lose them for good. His fingers casually ripped the fabric, revealing my core. 

I was wet and aching… and suddenly shy. To distract him from me, I slid my hand over the front of his pants. He felt huge, hot and hard, twitching beneath my touch. Spock grunted and unfastened his britches so my bare hand could wrap around his thickly swollen shaft. I haven’t had much experience, but his size was intimidating. Surely normal men were not so well endowed. The bulging tip was leaking a steady stream of clear fluid and I used that to coat my hand before I stroked him. He spent himself all over my thighs in seconds, his eyes squeezed shut as he did so.

“Oh, Spock,” I whispered, thinking of how a human man would react in this situation. “It’s alright, you don’t have to be…”

But he was looking at me strangely and I shut my mouth. His next words were spoken with maddening restraint. “Nyota, I’m experiencing my _pon farr_. Did you think we would be done after one culmination?”

I realised his sex was rock hard once more. He used his pearlescent spending to good effect, the slick cream a bonus as he thrust into my tight channel. This time he lasted much longer, pounding into me until I thought he must have rearranged my insides, reaching down to stroke the exquisite bundle of nerves at the top of my slit so I came before he did.

My orgasm was so intense my limbs turned to rubber. Spock continued to undress me as I lay on his desk, briefly suckling on my nipples before ripping off my bra, tearing my stockings and tugging off boots. He took even less time to disrobe. All I wanted was to run my hands over his chest, broad and deep, his muscles sculpted from marble, but he was impatient to continue.

Spock placed me on my hands and knees in the centre of his bed and entered me from behind. He had already come twice and was able to take his time, his broad shaft splitting me in two, reaching depths that hadn’t been touched previously. He was careful yet savage, the snap of his hips creating a wet smacking sound in the quiet of the room. His own deep breathing was a counterpoint to my skittering pulse.

I have never had a man use me so completely to sate his lust, an experience both erotically charged and overwhelming. And then, just as my soft whimpers turned into a higher pitched wail of climax, Spock leant forward, gripping a handful of my mahogany hair and angling my head. He pressed a gentle kiss to my lips as he came deep inside me, licking his way inside my mouth, consuming me twice over.

Oh, my heart was breaking in the aftermath of my orgasm. I didn’t want this for just a moment, I wanted him for life. But the parameters of our intercourse were set. I could not change that now. I was more medicinal aid than real woman in his eyes. 

Spock was tireless in his attentions, exhausting me mind, body and soul. At one point there came a knock on his door. He left me on his bed, threw on his uniform and greeted whoever it was with a modicum of calm. I heard Dr McCoy’s voice exclaiming over how flushed and sweaty Spock appeared, and the mendacious half-Vulcan coolly demanded the hypospray filled with the antidote and for the doctor to leave him alone. McCoy obliged and Spock returned to me.

I was struggling to sit up, wrapping sheets around me in lieu of clothes. I expected the commander to send me on my way now that he’d received the cure. Instead, he picked me up in his arms and pushed me against a wall, undoing his pants so he could enter me once more. He screwed me standing up, his eyes focused on my bouncing breasts, barely a hitch in his breath. We kept at it all night. 

I didn’t leave Spock’s room until the early hours of the next day. He offered me breakfast but I was desperate to escape. You see, he was himself again, cool, calm and collected. Emotions firmly under wraps. It was clear to me I had served my purpose.

Silly girl. That’s what Bibi would say to me. Silly, foolish little girl, allowing a man who doesn’t love you to roam freely across your body and embed himself in your heart. Now I have to live with the consequences of my actions.


	28. Chapter 28

Stardate 2375.8

Writing down my feelings is becoming a habit, mostly because I have no other place to safely vent. If I told Gaila any of this, the entire ship would know in a matter of hours. That girl can spread gossip like a wildfire.

The day I returned to work Spock was there just the same as always. I wished for some sign that he remembered our time together but there was nothing, not a twitch of a facial muscle. So I turned my attention to my experiments and tried to forget anything had happened between us. It was better than waiting on an emotional response from a Vulcan.

I wrapped up my tests not long after my shift ended and was heading out the door when Spock called me into his office. I stood facing him, hands clasped behind my back, feet slightly apart, chin up, posture rigid. I tried to keep my expression as frigid as his though my heart was twisting inside my chest. 

Spock said nothing, and after the second minute ticked by, I finally looked at him. Until then my gaze had been on his empty chair. He was standing as upright as I was, his shining dark eyes curiously tender. 

“Do you think me without feeling, Nyota?” he asked, and my poor heart nearly jumped out of my chest.

I bit my lip. “Perhaps. You are Vulcan, after all,” I replied.

“That is a common misconception. Emotions run deep in my race. In many ways, more deeply than in humans.”

I said nothing, unsure how to respond. Spock always has a logical end to his comments, though sometimes it takes a while for him to get there.

“I will never forget what you did for me,” Spock continued. “It was a sacrifice of your body and selfhood. However, based upon your responses, I also surmised you were pleased to partake in some of the more rigorous acts.” 

My cheeks turned scarlet and I lost my poise, fidgeting where I stood. 

“True, Nyota?”

I glared at him, “Yes, Spock.” 

“I have a proposition,” he continued smoothly. “We enjoy each other’s company. Should you be amenable, I suggest we continue our physical reciprocity.”

By this time, I’d stopped pretending to play it cool. “To be clear, are you suggesting we have a sexual liaison? Is it because- are you still experiencing _pon farr,_ Spock?”

He quirked his damnable eyebrow as if I’d said something odd. “Not at all, Nyota. I simply see no logical reason why we should deny ourselves the pleasure of intercourse.”

“Excuse me?”

“Another mistake often made about my race is that we have sex once every seven years, when in fact we enjoy the act as much as we desire.”

“Spock…” I had no words. I honestly didn’t know what to say. Conducting a purely physical affair with the man I already loved should have been a no brainer. But I was emotional after a single night spent in his bed; how would I cope if that turned into an extended dalliance?

“Nyota, have I misread your enjoyment of the other night?”

Good grief, I wish he’d stop talking about how much I liked it. Spock was really good at what he did. Crazy, mind-bendingly good. He had me seeing stars, and I don’t mean the galaxy around us. But that wasn’t enough. 

I opened my mouth to say no, I couldn’t do it. No, I shouldn’t do it. That we couldn’t keep sleeping together as if it wouldn’t affect us emotionally. I was smarter than this, my Bibi had taught me better. Then I started thinking about how the polywater intoxication had kickstarted Spock’s libido and if I turned him down did that mean he would go looking for another lover? Would it be Christine Chapel or some other nubile junior lab assistant looking to get ahead by any means necessary?

And so instead of ‘no’, I heard myself say, “That might be nice.” Nice! As if I were agreeing to a picnic instead of a sexual relationship that would put my mental well-being at risk.

Spock kissed me then, lots of tongue and plenty of moisture, his lips and hands warm like toast. I melted against him with all the self-control of an adolescent being asked the time of day by the cutest boy at school. Within seconds he had me bent over his desk, his hands pushing up my skirt and tugging aside my panties so he could enter me from behind. It was a good thing I was soaking wet because Spock was as impatient as he’d been our very first time.

As he came deep within me, too many inches of thickly swollen Vulcan manhood stuffed inside my aching core, he murmured in my ear, “If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them, Nyota.”

I’ll be damned if I know what he meant by that, except I’m already damned. It’s been eleven days since we had that conversation and I have spent every one of them moaning in Spock’s arms. Sometimes we make it to his quarters, other times we’ve had to make do with a supply closet or an empty laboratory. He always seems so buttoned up and in control until we begin, and then he unleashes the beast inside and I am left breathless. One night he made it all about me, kissing and licking my sex with the intensity of a scientist determined to discover the limits of the female orgasm. I swear I blacked out one time.

In the mornings when I shower, I see bruises on my skin in the shape of his fingerprints and it only makes me want him more. More, more, more. I will never get enough of Spock. He’s like an addiction that demands increasing doses to satisfy.

I’m scared. There, I’ve said it. I’m holding my breath, waiting for the day it all ends, the moment Spock says he no longer needs me. I keep asking myself, if Bibi were still around, what would she say?


	29. Chapter 29

Stardate 2391.8

Dearest Bibi,

I know you’re gone but I need your advice so badly. Perhaps by writing to your ghost I will receive my answer.

I’ve messed up. Except maybe I didn’t. Maybe things were already a mess and I’ve just been refusing to acknowledge it.

Today I met Spock’s father. The meeting wasn’t intentional, more an accident, though fate has a way of bringing to pass what is supposed to happen.

I wonder if you already know, Bibi- wherever your spirit lingers in the galaxy- that I have been involved with Spock? I should be ecstatic over the fact, and the truth of the matter is there have been some wondrous moments. A tender word I know he would never speak to anyone else, a quick smile that’s like a rare gift, a shared confidence that binds us together in growing intimacy. 

Spock’s friends have noticed. Captain Kirk and Dr McCoy give me searching looks and meaningful grins, but ultimately they respect their compatriot’s need for privacy. Perhaps they think the secrecy that cloaks our relationship is a Vulcan thing. Or that Spock would prefer to keep our dalliance quiet since he is my commanding officer. Whatever the case, they are wrong. I know that now. Spock is embarrassed of his lack of control in becoming involved with me.

But I’m telling this all wrong. Let me start from the beginning.

I have been entwined with Spock for a month now. Three days ago, he asked to see me in his office. I will admit I showed up with smiles and blushes, expecting a clandestine date of some kind since Spock has been surprisingly physical in our short time together. Within seconds, however, I realised this was not that kind of meeting. Spock looked serious, even for him.

“Is something wrong, Spock?” I asked. I know him well enough by now that I recognised something had disturbed his famous Vulcan equilibrium. 

“No, ensign,” he said rather coldly, but that is his default setting so I wasn’t particularly troubled by the tone. “I am busy over the next few days and will not be available to carry out our arrangement.” 

I felt myself blushing as I recalled the multiple different ways I’d found myself pressed against Spock in the last few weeks, sweaty and undone. Thus far we’ve met every day, so a week without his touch would feel like famine after a feast.

“Yes, commander,” I replied. What else could I say?

“That will be all,” he dismissed me.

I hesitated. “I’ll miss you,” I added, though it took all my courage to do so.

He seemed reluctant to acknowledge my words and for the first time I felt uneasy. What was it that would have Spock so busy he couldn’t find five minutes for a quickie in the broom closet (hypothetically)? As it turned out, it was the arrival of Ambassador Sarek, his father. 

Bibi, I wasn’t sure what to feel. Should I be offended that Spock didn’t tell me his closest kin was visiting the Enterprise? To be fair, we have not discussed our relationship or our intentions (if any) for the future. I wasn’t about to rock the boat, so I pushed aside my personal feelings and went about my work. See, even I have learnt something from my half-Vulcan… what, exactly? Boyfriend? Friend? Colleague with benefits? 

This morning Spock entered the science department and approached where I was examining the spores of a newly discovered alien species. Their kind have now been discovered in two completely different quadrants. I’m determined to prove these microbes have some kind of quantum teleportation ability that might revolutionise space travel. I laughingly mentioned my theory to Spock after a particularly passionate night, and all he did was raise an eyebrow in disbelief. But I digress.

“My father is visiting the laboratories this morning, ensign,” Spock said, ignoring the dozen other junior science officers working at their respective stations. 

“Yes, sir?” I said, managing to make my response a question. 

“Please do not engage with him. I would prefer our connection remain hidden.”

He spoke under his breath so no one else could hear and I felt an unexpected emotion; the sting of shame. Was Spock embarrassed of our relationship? I suppose a true Vulcan would not need a sexual outlet to perform to his optimal abilities. 

“Yes, commander,” I replied stiffly. Now was not the time or place to discuss the offense he’d caused with his request.

Ambassador Sarek arrived several minutes. He was a dignified male with aquiline features and fierce eyes that reminded me of a bird of prey, dressed in high-collared embroidered robes. Hands clasped behind his back, he wordlessly stepped through the doors. 

“Father, my office is this way,” I heard Spock say, I presume in an attempt to guide the older Vulcan away from me.

“I wish to see your place of work, Spock,” Sarek’s deep voice replied.

Like any child with their parent, Spock reacted as if he’d been reprimanded, his demeanour more rigid than ever. He walked shoulder to shoulder with his father and it was an impressive sight, both tall and lean and broad-shouldered. Neither felt the need to speak.

Spock’s comm device twittered and he turned away to take the call. From what I could hear from his side of the conversation, Captain Kirk was organising a luncheon in honour of the ambassador.

Bibi, I kept my head down and my eyes on my micron emitter, determined to do as Spock had requested. My plan unravelled fairly quickly.

“Ensign Uhura,” Ambassador Sarek’s deep voice spoke, reading the name plate at my station.

I straightened, startled. He had not spoken to anyone else thus far.

“Yes, ambassador, that’s me.” I flushed, feeling like an idiot. 

“Daughter of M’Umbha Makia Uhura?”

Bibi, my heart stopped beating. It took me a moment to reply, “Yes, sir.”

Sarek gazed at me, his aristocratic face managing to convey singular understanding. “I met M’Umbha many times at diplomatic functions. It was not easy being the human ambassador to Vulcan. Your mother was a great asset to her race.”

I felt my breath hitch. “Thank you, ambassador.”

“And I am sorry for your loss.”

“And I yours,” I whispered, casting my gaze behind him. Spock was watching us, still in conversation with Kirk.

“The devastation of my homeworld has impacted more than just Vulcans. Sometimes we forget that.”

“I cannot imagine what you’ve gone through, ambassador,” I said quickly.

He tilted his head as if I were a curiousity. “Yes, you can, ensign. You more than most.”

Bibi, I cannot express to you what it meant to have this Vulcan male acknowledge my personal grief in his time of greater tragedy. I was deeply humbled. My eyes turned glossy with tears. 

“Many find it easier to understand the death of one than the death of a million. There are those who speak about the objective hardness of the Vulcan heart, yet the destruction of my planet has shown me how little room there seems to be in theirs. You are not this way inclined, ensign.” 

I bit my lip. “Grief has changed me, ambassador. It has altered the direction of my life. It’s why I now belong to Starfleet.”

“How fascinating that you find yourself under my son’s command,” Sarek murmured. 

You would have liked this male, Bibi. While he would have found your concept of fate archaic, he has clearly come to his own understanding of the journey of life. 

In the distance, I watched Spock hang up his comm link. I quickly said, “Ambassador, Spock does not know about my personal connection to the destruction of Vulcan.”

This finally prompted a reaction from his arched Vulcan brows. He considered me a second. “What is left in darkness festers needlessly, Ensign Uhura.”

“Father?” Spock queried, his manner frazzled as he approached us. He must have heard Sarek’s last comment.

The ambassador looked at his son with cool regard until a mottling of jade green made Spock’s cheekbones glow. In the end Sarek did not speak, gracefully walking away. 

Spock gave me a look from dark eyes that told me he was upset. He waited until his father had left the lab before asking, “What did you say to him?”

“Nothing,” I replied, trying to keep my voice down though Min across the room and K’eala on my right were watching us curiously. 

“I asked you to keep my confidence…”

“Spock, I did,” I whispered, aghast. “Your father spoke to me about Vulcan. I never mentioned anything about us.”

He shook his head, more upset than I’d ever seen him. “I don’t believe you.”

“I’m not lying!” I was becoming angry.

Spock stilled, clearly making an effort to suppress his emotions. “I apologise, ensign. That was a baseless accusation.” Before I could speak, he went on, “Our current situation is a waste of time and energy. I find it quite illogical.”

“You’re right,” I agreed. “You should be with your father. We can talk about this later. And I—I have something to tell you.” Because Sarek’s remark had confirmed in my mind that I should explain my history to Spock, how mama and baba were on Vulcan the day it disappeared inside a black hole, orphaning me. 

The love of my life looked me in the eyes and spoke with characteristic coldness. “There will be no need to discuss this matter further. Our physical relationship terminates now.”

“Excuse me?”

“As already stated, it would be illogical to continue, ensign. It has only been a source of anxiety and concern.”

And with that, Spock walked away.

Bibi, I was left standing with my mouth hanging open. Only a Vulcan would think that an appropriate end to a relationship. 

I already know what you would say- I have to track down Spock and talk to the insufferable male. I may not understand what Spock expects for us as a couple, but I know there is more at stake than can be extinguished by a few emotionless words. 

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Uhura’s mother’s name is confirmed as M’Umbha Makia in the original Star Trek narrative.


	30. Chapter 30

Stardate 2398.7

My dearest Spock,

It has been a week since we argued and I haven’t had a chance to speak with you, so I’ve decided to write you this letter.

Spock, surely even you can see it’s illogical for us to be apart over a minor misunderstanding? I’m sorry your father’s presence onboard the _Enterprise_ stressed you out, but I assure you I did not reveal our relationship to him. I made you a promise and I kept my word. I will always be faithful to you.

By the way, I know you’re avoiding me. You haven’t been in the lab at all, a situation that is causing much talk amongst your junior science officers. The rumour that has the most traction is that an A.I. particle from a Borg cube has attached itself to you and you’re slowly turning into an android. For your information, I’m not averse to seeing your body wrapped in metallic armour. It could prove to be quite the aphrodisiac. 

Anyway, can we please put this incident behind us and continue our friendship as before? I miss you so much. You’ve become my best friend and confidant. I hope I’ve been just as good to you and for you. 

Your Nyota


	31. Chapter 31

Stardate 2399.3

Mr Spock,

I have received your three sentence response to my letter. 

I apologise for disturbing your peace of mind. I certainly didn’t intend to upset you in any way. Had I known you were busy with “a pressing matter”, I would have spared you the aggravation of my correspondence. I simply wanted to let you know how I felt. Obviously that was a mistake. 

Is there a species in the galaxy where each individual inhabits their own bunker beneath their own mountain? You would fit in perfectly amongst such a civilization. 

Sincerely,

Ensign Uhura


	32. Chapter 32

Stardate 2412.3

Dear Bibi,

I am dictating this to my PADD in the dark. Not to be dramatic or anything, but I may be joining you in the afterlife sooner than expected. 

The _Enterprise_ has been overrun by Vidiians, a race near extinction thanks to the effects of a disease they call the phage. They may have once been an elegant people, but now their skin rots away from their bones. They control their pain with medication and have dedicated their resources to curing this ailment. In the meantime, their society survives by attacking anyone they come across, grafting the body parts and internal organs of their victims onto themselves to prolong life.

How did we get here? The _Enterprise_ landed on what we thought was a lifeless space rock to examine an anomalous debris field. The enemy ship was cloaked and, as it turned out, the debris had been created by Vidiian weapons destroying another ship. We were secretly boarded and only discovered the breach when two crew members were killed. Their organs were remotely harvested by Vidiian instruments, medical technology more advanced than even what we possess.

These creatures have justified their horrific actions as a means of saving their own race. I cannot imagine being reduced to such savage instincts and yet neither can I find it in my heart to sympathize with them. In fact, if I had an old-fashioned plasma charger I’d be tempted to detonate it on their vessel.

Bibi… Gaila is dead. Her pretty green skin fascinated the Vidiians and she was killed and taken away to their ship to be used like spare parts. Even if we get out of this mess, I cannot imagine my days without her laughter and endless line of boyfriends.

Humans do not interest the Vidiians as much as our extraterrestrial crew. You see, humanity is less hardy a species. A hunting party invaded the science labs and went after K’eala, my half-Vulcan compatriot. The girl can fight, I’ll give her that. In the ensuing chaos I was hit by phaser fire. It caused a terrible burn on my left calf, though it’s far from life threatening.

Commander Spock arrived at this point, descending upon the Vidiians with an armed crew. Despite his infuriating behaviour these last few weeks, I was ecstatic to see him. The element of surprise helped in the firefight, and our people managed to stun the Vidiians to unconsciousness and remove their strange weapons.

Spock picked me up in his arms since I was unable to walk. It was so good feeling his touch once more that I nearly burst into tears. Fortunately, I did not embarrass myself.

“Why are you here?” I asked as he made his way to med bay.

“To rescue you, naturally,” he snapped.

I couldn’t help myself- I grinned. That was my final moment of levity. We were attacked in the corridors by a fresh group of Vidiians. This time they were after the Vulcan. 

Spock dropped me to reach for his phaser, but I could see he was going to be too late. Love makes people do dumb things. I stepped in front of the commander and pain like I’d never felt before gripped me. It was as if my insides were being severed and I screamed. Based on the angle of fire, the enemy must have wanted Spock’s heart. 

The Vidiians overran Spock, restraining him. He tried reaching for me but they dragged him away, muttering about prime stock, leaving me on the floor of the ship.

Since then, I have crawled to a nearby storage room. Bibi, I think my liver is gone and I’m bleeding internally. If I am to die, better here than waiting to be trampled in some brightly lit corridor. Outwardly, I look fine, but inside… I am torn apart. I have lifted my uniform and my skin is turning mottled and bruised.

I’m glad I saw Spock one last time. He risked his life to save mine, and I hope he understands I had to do the same. I do not want him to blame himself for what will happen next. I love him, after all. What better gift than to reveal that love by action. I only wish I could have told him I understand the loss he suffered with the destruction of his homeworld and the death of his mother. Perhaps Sarek will let him know. 

Bibi, things are growing dark and I am very cold…

**[Recording incomplete]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Vidiians were introduced in Star Trek: Voyager. They often worked in the shadows and their advanced medical technology made them a tricky foe.


	33. Chapter 33

Stardate 2419.5

Dearest Bibi,

It looks like I won’t be joining you in the afterlife quite so soon, though it takes a while to re-grow a liver.

As I lay dying, Captain Kirk was not idle. The Vidiians may have possessed advanced technology that was detrimental in face to face combat, but they could not compete with the _Enterprise’s_ firepower. Our chief of engineering Commander Montgomery ‘Scotty’ Scott found a way to de-cloak the Vidiian ship, after which Kirk declared he would rain down hell unless they surrendered. It did the trick. 

As soon as Spock was released, he came looking for me. The doctor tells me he had to threaten Spock with a hypospray of anaesthetic before he’d put me down. Dr McCoy cut me open to cauterise the blood flow. As I’d suspected, my liver was taken. 

The doctor informed me this morning that my new liver is almost ready for transplant. I’ve been in med bay all this time, demanding my PADD so I may continue my reports and track the results of half-finished experiments. The doctor says I remind him of someone else onboard with far greener blood than mine.

Tomorrow is the funeral for the crew we lost, six souls in all. It’s the first time I’ve experience death during a Starfleet mission and I don’t know how to feel about it. I’m mostly numb. I’m trying not to focus on what’s next- the loss of friendships and the faces I’ll never see again… the banality of death. 

Chekov visits me every day. He tells me he’s packed up Gaila’s belongings. That hurt. I wish I could have done it, but I suspect the doctor will tackle me to the ground if I attempt to walk out of med bay. Chekov has left me a tube of Gaila’s favourite tulaberry lip gloss as a memento. 

Despite everything, it’s good to be alive. Facing my own mortality was hard. I’m still processing it, but I can’t move past the fact that Spock has not yet been to see me. I guess the Vulcan was serious when he said our relationship was terminated. Spock was merely being a responsible commanding officer when he rescued me in the lab. And why should it matter that I was mortally wounded in an effort to protect him?

I’m growing angry again. There’s no point feeling hurt. I have to thank my lucky stars and move on. 

Captain Kirk dropped by yesterday. He’s been speaking with Admiral Pike and, once I’m feeling better, he wants me to take night shifts on the bridge as the communications officer. I have already agreed. It will mean less time in the lab, but that’s obviously all to the good. 

_Nakupenda,_ Bibi. Keep watching over me.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- Tulaberry is a blue fruit that can also be made into wine. It is beloved by the Ferengi.


	34. Chapter 34

Stardate 2421.8

Dearest Bibi,

Spock has only just left, chased out by an irate Dr McCoy demanding I rest, who then dropped me a wink as he returned to his office. Bibi, I’m so happy I feel like I’m floating. How was I to know Spock was staying away from me because of his stupid Vulcan ethics and nobility? Though I could not love him if he wasn’t exactly who he is.

Three hours ago- it feels like a lifetime- Dr McCoy requested his nursing staff take an extended break and be ready to return when he hailed them. They departed med bay looking both surprised and concerned. At least this time the doctor wasn’t hollering rhymes at the top of his lungs. 

Not long after Spock arrived and the doctor retreated into his office, closing the door behind him. We were alone and I realised Spock had organised this.

“How are you feeling, Nyota?” he asked, coming to stand by my side.

“Alright,” I replied, feeling stunned. He often renders me inarticulate.

“I have something to say and I hope you will let me finish before you make comment.”

I blinked. “Um, okay…”

Spock cleared his throat and I realised he was nervous. What could make a Vulcan nervous? My heart began to pound inside my chest. 

“Nyota, a few weeks ago my father came to see me in preparation of my upcoming _pon farr,_ not realising it had been triggered in me recently. He sought confirmation that I would honour my betrothal to T’Pring.”

“Betrothal? You’re engaged?” I stared at him in horror. “Have you been cheating on another woman with me?”

One eyebrow rose in disdain. “T’Pring and I were psychically bonded as children so that when _pon farr_ arrived we would survive the blood fever. I suspect you know more of Vulcan culture than previously intimated, Nyota, and you may have already been aware of this tradition amongst my people.”

I flushed, wondering at Spock’s turn of words. What did he mean? I decided to keep silent and allow him to continue. 

“I was divided when my father approached me. You and I were involved in a relationship that had become more than just a physical outlet, but I also felt a responsibility to my people. Billions of Vulcan lives have been lost not three years ago and I assumed it was my duty to assist in replenishing our numbers. I chose my obligation to my race and ended my association with you.”

“Oh,” I whispered, sadness overcoming me. What do you say to a man who won’t be with you for the sake of his people? This was why Spock had been avoiding me like the plague. “I- I understand, Spock. It can’t be easy…”

“Let me speak,” he snapped, and then sighed at my expression. “Please, Nyota.”

I nodded, biting my lip.

“Nine days ago, I saw your life threatened and I watched you nearly die in my defence. Nyota… I realised if you had died, something inside me would have too.”

The breath caught in my throat. I wanted to reach out to the upright male standing before me, but I clenched my bedsheets instead. 

“Over the last few days I have spent my spare time attempting to get in touch with my father. He was in deep meditation at the New Vulcan high temple and only became available yesterday. I told him about you. About you and I, in fact. And do you know what he said to me, Nyota?”

“No,” I replied, throat swollen with emotion.

“My father said there would be no better mate for me than the daughter of M’Umbha Makia Uhura, who died on Vulcan while serving the Federation as the human ambassador to Vulcan.” 

“He did?” I gasped. I couldn’t believe I had Sarek’s approval, but then he’d married a human woman himself. Mama did always like Amanda. 

“Nyota.”

I realised there was accusation in Spock’s glittering gaze. “I should have told you,” I admitted, scrambling for words to explain. “I didn’t want to say anything when we first met because it felt like a cheap ploy to get close to you, as if I was currying favour using my parent’s death. And then we did become friends and I didn’t know how to bring it up. I’m sorry, Spock.”

“Are you on the _Enterprise_ for me?” he asked.

I was startled by the question but recognised there was no arrogance in it. “Yes and no. After the tragedy, I lost my previous desire to remain in academia and instead joined Starfleet. All because of you, Spock. The digital newsreels spoke of the half-Vulcan commander who tried so hard to save his planet.”

Spock gave a tiny grimace. “Distasteful,” he muttered.

“Yes, but can you imagine what it meant to me? Someone who’d lost both her parents in the devastation?” I swallowed hard, composing myself. “I realised Starfleet was the only organisation willing and able to put itself on the frontline for the sake of others. If anyone _could_ have saved my parents, it would have been the _Enterprise_. So I enlisted. The fact that Admiral Pike assigned me to this ship was pure chance, though my grandmother believed it was fated in the stars.” 

Spock nodded once, acknowledging my words. He was still so internal with his emotions, my poor Vulcan male. Slowly, his previous statements began to dawn on me.

“Spock… what are you saying? About us, I mean? Do you… are we… can we…?” My brain was so full I couldn’t ask the question.

And then, like a living miracle, Spock spoke in Swahili, “Mioyo mia itakuwa chache sana kubeba upendo wangu wote kwako. Wewe ni mwanga wangu, upendo wangu.”

I burst into tears and he kissed me.

I think this will be our final correspondence, Bibi. Wherever you are, please know your little Nyota is well. Not only does she have a new liver, but also the best half-Vulcan in the galaxy by her side to protect it. Above all else, she is in love and she is loved in return.

 _Nakupenda,_ Bibi.

Your Nyota.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Swahili -> English  
> Mioyo mia itakuwa chache sana kubeba upendo wangu wote kwako = A hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for you.  
> Wewe ni mwanga wangu, upendo wangu = You are my sunshine, my love.
> 
> \- T’Pring, Spock’s betrothed, was introduced in the original Star Trek TV series.


	35. Chapter 35

Stardate 2422.3

My dearest Spock,

Good morning, beloved. I write from my convalescent bed to tell you that you are my sun, my moon and all my stars. I look forward to being well enough to say that to your face and watch you squirm.

Have a wonderful day. I’ll see you in the evening, though I must warn you Dr McCoy has threatened green jello for dessert if- and I quote him- we have another public display of affection so unnatural it makes his blood run colder than a penguin in Antarctica.

Your Nyota.

P/S I may nuzzle your ears when you visit, though that might make the good doctor spontaneously combust. 

P/P/S I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> It feels strange writing a fic outside my beloved Star Wars universe. To be fair, I’ve always been a huge Star Trek fan as well. Why choose between the two when you can love them both? Anyway, blame the coronavirus and enforced isolation, we’ve just re-watched the three Star Trek alternate timeline movies starring the divine Zachary Quinto, Chris Pine, Karl Urban and Zoe Saldana, which then led me to re-watch the original Star Trek series (currently available on Netflix) with the equally divine Leonard Nimoy, William Shatner and Nichelle Nichols. So good.
> 
> I started doing my research and was fascinated that the character of Uhura was raised in the continent of Africa and her name is inspired by the Swahili language. A story began to grow in my mind with Uhura at its heart and here we are. Spock has always been my main man. Leonard Nimoy is the OG, but I also love how Spock is portrayed by Zachary Quinto- not as unfeeling, but rather uncomfortable with emotion. A man who ‘chooses not to feel’ makes for great storytelling.
> 
> Writing a story in letters is something I’ve always wanted to try since reading a YA novel called ‘Daddy-Long-Legs’. It’s written by Jean Webster and was published all the way back in 1912, yet the emotions behind it still feel current. 
> 
> My title comes from E. E. Cummings- “Yours is the light by which my spirit's born: you are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.”
> 
> I hope you enjoy this fanfic. I certainly enjoyed writing it. Comments are always welcome and I thank you in advance for being kind. Xoxo


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